We all have to do a better job at keeping tabs on our strong friends.
We all have those friends in our life. The ones we think have it all together, the ones who probably have a lot in common with the late Kate Spade: On the surface…that translates to obvious success, lots of loving friends and family, plenty of money and really no reason to be unhappy. Or at,least, that’s what people choose to see and believe. It’s not in a successful person’s nature to show the darkness because truthfully, no one wants to acknowledge that the friend they highly admire is less than admirable.
I was always the “strong” friend. The one that no one checked on for many years because quite honestly, I never let on to anyone that I needed checking up on. Until life became so challenging that I had no choice but to need checking up on. About 12 years ago when my dad died, my heart shattered and my super-strong shell started cracking. I needed to seek professional help for the inability to process the overwhelming grief of the loss. But, us strong ones think we can take a little breather, and then quickly bounce back and once again become that strong friend…the one that’s there for everyone else, the clients, the colleagues, the friends who need your support more than you think you need theirs. This is kind of screwed up because all it does is add credence to the myth that us strong friends don’t need checking up on.
We all need checking up on. Look at Anthony Bourdain for god’s sake. He’d openly shared his drug addictions and soul challenges, but also openly shared his happiness and love for his Italian girlfriend lately. He had a daughter, successful career and the admiration of so many of us. None of that mattered. When it came to deciding his fate, Bourdain chose the same exit plan that Kate Spade saw as the better option than to keep pretending that all was fine when clearly the pain was too much for either of these souls to bear.
My dad explained to me years ago, after contemplating (and attempting) his own death by suicide, that he felt like he was swimming in the deep end of the pool and simply could NOT see the light. I didn’t understand how anyone with a family could so selfishly even consider suicide. But, that changed when he told me he felt like he was drowning and no one was around to save him. Yet, he saved himself because he ultimately wasn’t ready to leave us; he was severely depressed and dealing with a lot of personal challenges but ultimately spared us the pain of being family members of a suicide victim. This is rough stuff, even for the “strong” one in the family. It’s painful to write about and share after all these years. It’s been about 22 years since I got that call that changed my perspective on everything, and it’s still a memory that sticks with me as a reminder that you never know who the “strong” ones are. Growing up, my dad was superman to me. He could do no wrong. He epitomized the term STRONG. And then one day, these illusions were shattered. My dad’s depression took a toll on our family in ways that can only be described as devastatingly painful and back then, shameful and embarrassing. My mom didn’t want anyone to know why my dad was taking time off from work, it just wasn’t acceptable to tell the truth about depression in the mid-90s and with this week’s tragic suicides of superstars Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade, it seems it still isn’t. That’s awful. So awful.
The shame and embarrassment of no longer feeling strong enough to be considered the “strong friend” really has to change. Can we all start by checking in with the friends we think are the “strong” ones? Reach out, call or text ,just check in with those who might have more going on than they’ll ever post on social media. You never know what tomorrow will bring, or who will feel they are drowning next. If you’re in a position to share your light, do it. As Maya Angelou said: “Be the sunshine in someone’s cloud.” Be THAT friend, the one who never forgets to check in with the strong ones.
